July 6, 2020

Monday Morning Musings (Currently...)

Currently in Latrobe...

Wondering...WHY.CAN'T.I.SLEEP? I haven't been a great sleeper for a couple of years now, but lately....I might as well not go to bed. I stay up later hoping to sleep through till morning, but I'm tossing and turning, unable to get comfortable, and I cannot turn off my mind. When I do drift off I wake every so often, I wake up when Tim gets up, I wake up when Tim leaves, and I'm usually up to stay about an hour after that.

The weather...is hot and humid. Again. Today is supposed to be our 4th straight day of temperatures over 90 degrees. With the humidity, it is down in the deep south kind of "soupy." I am not a fan.

Reading...Finished Sorry I Missed You and started Little White Secrets by Carol Mason. I recommend the former. It was a very unexpected story and I ended up enjoying it very much after getting used to it jumping around to the perspectives of all the characters. The latter...not sure about it yet. It really hasn't gripped me yet, but I'm willing to give it a bit longer.


Processing...some of the things I've been learning and putting together from the little bits my mom tells me and now the little bits my father tells me. 

I think I shared that one thing I learned was that my father had paid child support until my mom got married when I was 3 years old. Mom doesn't know anything about that. The money was paid directly to my grandfather, who maybe just didn't want her to know or just kept it since he was supporting me during those years and didn't think she needed to know.

One of the more troubling things I've learned is that Mom was told by my grandfather that my father said he'd marry her, but it would be a marriage in name only. It turns out that he said he'd marry her and meant to make a go of it, but apparently my grandfather told him or let him think that because they'd already broken up my mother wasn't interested.

I can't hate my grandfather and I'm not angry. I'm sure he felt that he was doing the best thing for my mom and me, but I am sad. He made choices for all of us without giving anyone a chance to make their own decisions. Even if Mom and my father hadn't gotten married maybe he'd have been a part of my life. What would life have been like if he'd been in it? 

Feeling...confined. It's just too hot to leave the house or get too far from the A/C.

Celebrating...that our son has texted me a couple of times from their vacation. That means we aren't completely shut out of his life. I'm grateful for that. He is my son and I love him, after all, even if I don't understand where he's coming from in the hateful, angry things he posts on Facebook...things I know he has to know will hurt all of us. I hope one day we can have an easy relationship.

Also that Leah let go and walked halfway across the room to me last night.

Watching...Yellowstone. I discovered we now have Peacock for free with Comcast and I can go back to the beginning and get caught up. Tim's not digging it, though, it's going to be something I watch alone.

Waiting...for the pool. Still. Tim's friend did come and level out the yard on Friday. We called the install guy as soon as we were sure the yard would be done. Now he says the week of the 13th. Soooo...maybe there will be a pool for Leah's party, but there won't be a deck. Just an A-frame ladder over the side. Not thrilled.

Adapting...to being part of a new family. My sister included me in group texts about my father's health with my brothers and a few others. My father called me today to tell me he was okay and to let me know how much he enjoyed meeting me. It's weird, but in a good way, to suddenly be part of another family.

Laughing at...



























And not funny, but important to know in this heat...





9 comments:

  1. Gosh, I can so relate to all those funny memes, lol. Hey, on Yellowstone, its a slow start, but I have feeling its going to pick up. Tim might want to start from the very beginning of Season 1 to get a better understanding. Last season was very rough; rape, murder, kidnapping...it was rough.

    ANYWAYS--Hot here too...and as for Yellowstone, again, I am yearning to live free in the middle of nowhere just like that tv show shows. Its filmed in Utah, but for the shows sake, its set in Montana.

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  2. It's pretty hot here too. I go from ac at home to ac in van and to ac at work. Cannot take the heat!! lol

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  3. Yay for the pool! An a-frame ladder isn't the end of the world, we had our pool for 25 years, and finally are getting a deck built, it's almost done. It's so hot and humid here, we don't have A.C., I don't know what I'd do without the pool, I wouldn't go outside in the sun at all, that's for sure. To sleep better, do you take magnesium? I also take GABA, it's natural, and it helps tremendously!
    Della

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  4. Hi Stacy. I hope everything works out well with your "new" family. Glad you heard from your son. Enjoy your pool in the heat.

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  5. UGH- I went through a spell wtih the sleeping & that is miserable. Can you get some lavender oil? Someone sent some to me - & honestly, it seemed to help. I know for me, I was willing to try anything.
    I couldnt get through Sorry I missed you - maybe I need to try again.
    this heat is HORRIBLE. I hate Ricky has to work in it wearing a mask in this heat. I dont mind indoors - but working in the heat with it, poor guy :(
    I love you are just growing connections wiht your new family

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  6. I wish for two things sometimes-people wearing masks...and people avoiding Facebook-I believe that families and friends would get along so much better if that outlet shut down. As to the masks-wonder how many would have lived? I remember getting used to seatbelts-the rebellion was apparent--just like now...take care...I have been where you are now...however, my father paid the support until I was 18 even though Mother married when I was five. I met him at age 18 and saw him a couple of times...it is difficult...but these things happen-I believe they make us stronger-as you evidently are...

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  7. Hot and humid here with thunderstorms too. Glad you at least have a date for the pool installation but sorry it won't be done with the deck by the birthday party. At least it is coming!! It is great that your new family is in touch and accepting of you. There is always two sides to every story (if not more!). What a shame your grandfather made decisions without including your mom... it is what it is, though, and thank goodness you got to meet your dad and half-siblings!

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  8. What a mosaic's coming together! Sorry, but that business with your grandfather sounds like something out of a soap opera villain. I'm sure God's hand was right there, guiding events leading up to your new union. SO glad to hear your son's keeping in contact; maybe he was just going through something you had nothing to do with. Cross fingers!

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  9. It's hot here too, 97 today. I hope you get your pool soon. We have a large spa and I was in it for 2 hours yesterday by myself and it was so peaceful. I slept well too. I am sure there is a lot to think about concerning your dad. There are what ifs in my life too but I have to let it go. That is the hard thing, letting go. I always have to tell my self "Let go and let God.!"

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